From the category archives:

My Brain

Tempus fugit

by cg on January 27, 2010

We’re trying to stay current, but blog has abandoned ship – hasn’t been seen for going on two weeks, now, and, with no backup, I’ve got my hands full. Rehab, domestic stuff (so far this week we’ve had pork chops, grilled, with baby Brussels sprouts that were seared then baked in apple juice, rack of lamb with braised baby carrots and greens and, tonight, Dover sole with artichokes) income taxes and trying to carefully transition from COBRA to Medicare, a confusing process to say the least – all are keeping me plenty busy.

Thus gulker.com misses posts, and I’m not even conscious of it – the days are full and rush by in such a blur. I only just noticed there was no post yesterday.

Today was a ‘down’ cancer day physically, and my 40 minutes on the treadmill and hour on the weight machines did not come easily this morning… a couple times I almost through in the towel, but in the end I didn’t, and finished everything – I felt good about that when I hobbled out of the Y. After that, we made a Peet’s stop where I scanned for news of the iPad ($499? Way to go, Apple…), followed by an appointment with Guy’s Plumbing, followed by an InMenlo assignment, followed by two hours with the Medicare web sit up on one monitor and my COBRA site on the other, then quick shower before starting dinner, which was a mini-disaster. Dover sole became Broken sole because of a defrosting incident, but the artichokes were OK. Anyway

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Hemiplegia, revisited

by cg on January 25, 2010

We finally ginned up the courage, after last summer’s setback, to return to writing our (newly expanded) insider’s view of Hemiplegia, the condition which affects my left side. As we’ve made our way back from that warm season disappointment, at first timidly, despite the admonitions of our rehab therapist Heidi Engel, and, lately, more aggressively, we feel the confidence return that we exhibited when we made our way to southern Burgundy last May, and daily walked the steep ridge upon which the village of Ameugny is situated.

We realize that, while, indeed our body suffered from the brain swelling episode, the real problem has been a loss of confidence. There are lots of daily actions – able-bodied me never even thought about them – that are daunting to the hemiplegic. Stepping off curbs is one – it took 18 months of carefully planned and heavily repeated rehab exercises before I could confidently, and reliably, step off a curb without risking a fall.

In any case, we returned two weeks ago to the aggressive strength-building program that Heidi had started us on last April (and which she’d been pushing us to resume), a little fearful – we had been lifting some, for us, serious weights before departing for France. Upon our return, some 12 pounds lighter from muscle atrophy, and, with a left arm that would barely move, we could lift only a fraction of our previously-set goals. Six months of near-daily exercises later, we have managed to surpass, by a small amount, our previous sets.

Confidence, however, lags strength – we’re still gun shy. So much so that, two weeks ago, we not only managed to fall, but knocked down a dear friend who was trying to help me navigate a curb late in the day. I am lately realizing that my left side will do more than I’m asking of it and I need to seize the opportunity to counter the brain’s natural tendency to work around the damage. We are so trying to get back to April, strength and mobility-wise…

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So we had a long, full day, today that started with the 1.5 mile walk Scott and I do Tuesdays and Thursdays, followed by a particularly rigorous Heidi workout, so rigorous that I could barely get off the floor afterwards, followed by an InMenlo assignment, followed by an errand to church (dropping off the TaizĂ© cross for the TaizĂ© service this Sunday at Trinity), followed by shopping followed by a top-secret InMenlo assignment that Linda won’t let me breathe a word about, followed by dinner with friend Anne Peterson.

I was exhausted, even more than the usual cancer-and-chemo-induced P.M. exhaustion that’s sort of the gulker.com norm. Walking out of our neighborhood eatery, I managed to fall as I stepped down from the curb, knocking down the aforementioned Ms. Peterson. Anne has only recently recovered, after two years of rehab, from gruesome injuries – her legs were crushed when she was mowed down in a pedestrian crosswalk in Laguna Beach.

One thing for me and Mr. Ground to get back together, entirely another to clobber Anne. I’m fine, though getting up was a comedy, and Anne swears she’s OK, but, how do I feel?

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Dawn

by cg on December 10, 2009

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It was one of those skies this morning that looked better to the camera than the eye. I’ve started toting a Leica rangefinder on my morning walks again, as a way to force me to use the left arm more – no autofocus available on Leica M cameras. Some would say there’s not much in the way of focusing on the M, manual or otherwise…

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plze, can i has pixels?

by cg on December 9, 2009

oak_txp.jpg

Friend Scott pinged us on @dailyshoot today. Today’s assignment was “crisp black and white,” so I cheated and submitted a photo I took some 11 months ago in light that was very similar to that which existed on scene (my driveway) about this time last year. Nevertheless, I received a very nice response from someone at The Daily Shoot.

Which left us stuck deciding whether today was a good day, or a bad one. It started badly at the gym, where, on the treadmill of all things, my left foot somehow caught the belt and dragged me to my knees. Fortunately, I religiously use that little safety clip that everybody else at the gym ignores – it’s on a string attached to a little magnet labelled “Stop.” Yank the string, the magnet pops off its seat, and the machine grinds to a halt.

Which fortunately, is exactly how things unfurled today. Logistics at the Page Mill Y are such that the area behind the treadmills is carpeted with the fans that many members adjust to provide a cooling breeze as they grind away on one or another aerobic device. Collectively, these things constitute a minefield for those of us of the hemiplegic persuasion.

This time, unlike last week’s crash, I was up and on my feet and had reset the treadmill before my gym mates could rush to the (mortifying) rescue. I then did 20 more minutes on the treadmill, extending it a couple times in case anyone was looking, before doing 45 minutes on the weight machines, and then 10 more minutes on the treadmill, just to be sure, before leaving. Feeling that I didn’t have to slink out this time around…

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Why I live by the Bay

by cg on December 1, 2009

Driving home tonight from a day of rehabilitation and chemo therapy at UCSF, we looked to our right, and saw a very pretty sunset lighting up the clouds above Skyline. To the left, a full moon was hovering low over San Francisco Bay. Hard to imagine a better commute – even the traffic was moving.

Upon reflection, it occurred to me that it was hard to imagine a better life, given what ails me. Our proximity to the resources of UCSF, a world-class comprehensive cancer center mean that a. I’m alive, and b. sufficiently functional to enjoy much of my life. Other pretty places on this planet may not enjoy that particular perk.

Many, many other blessings (yes, dear, you were among the first) then came to mind, and I realized, for all that’s happened, I’ve ‘landed’ pretty well. Maybe it’s just the visit to the chemo infusion center – always a sobering experience – has made me more appreciative of the half full glass in my possession. It could be much worse…

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The really big post (part 1)

by cg on November 25, 2009

It started with a spider in the sink, Monday morning – a Monday morning that had been like most of my days: I was delayed in my driveway by parents dropping off their children for the nearby elementary school, was late to the gym for strength training (part of the rehab program for the hemiparesis that I live with), had shopped, run errands and returned home.

Mr. (Ms.?) Spider (a brown creature of the species I often see in the house and garden) was in the bottom of one side of the sink, feebly trying to get up the polished side of the tub, and not making much headway. I carefully tried to give Spider a boost, at which point he/she pulled in his/her legs and stopped moving, sliding back to the bottom. I let Spider be and went about my rounds.

A few hours later, I saw that Spider hadn’t moved and suspected that my small visitor wasn’t long for this world (a situation that I, too, am dealing with). As I rinsed out a glass in the other tub, a drop of water inadvertently hit Spider, who responded by making a brisk run at the vertical wall of the sink. I provided lift, and Spider escaped into the gap between counter and fridge.

I spared Spider not just because its plight touched me – I’ve alway found living things marvelous, including the icky ones, and have never been in a hurry to annihilate anything with a nervous system. When we’ve had a particularly bold mouse (a situation that Linda is definitely not fond of), I’ve always had to trap it, and release it into the wild, which, in our case, is only a block away. Mushheads – ok, yeah, so be it – we live and let live.

I know that Spider is a predator, and sparing her means some number of other insects will meet untimely ends. Nature is, by gentile human standards, cruel and “red in tooth and claw.”

That line, from Tennyson (In Memoriam A. H. H., 1850), figured in the Victorian debate over Darwin’s Origin of Species, first published in 1859. Darwin’s observations led him to believe that survival (aka natural selection) was all – it didn’t matter at all how much carnage, dishonesty, cheating or misery an individual engendered, as long as their genes were expressed in offspring.

“Civilized” Victorians thought this abhorrent, and a sure reason that God, not evolution, had created all. Of course many Victorians had lived to see (and/or may have been enriched by) such atrocities as the British slave trade and wholesale massacres of aboriginal populations, for various convenient reasons, in The Colonies. In any case, most current observers think Darwin had that part of evolution dead right. It is rare that scientific insights endure as long as Darwin’s have.

Nature, it would clearly seem, has no such Victorian conscience, and God as clearly chooses not to intervene in this state of affairs. Most creatures in the wild meet cruel fates, the kindest of which may be sudden death in the paws of a fearsome predator. Famine, disease, injury, parasites and old age may confer even greater suffering. Animals in the wild have short, brutal lives, as do, truth be known, most humans, especially those who live outside the “first world.”

But, to get to my theme, those of us animals dealing with human disease, in particular “terminal” disease probably all wonder, at some point, “Why?”. Evolution provides a pretty clear answer: diseases, like cancer, that normally strike after peak reproductive years, provide no selection pressure whatsoever. My putative offspring are already in the wild, competing mightily to spread their own genetic contribution to the human pool. I’m a genetic has-been, as are my fellow doomed geezers.

Nature could “care” less if I suffer and die now, and would have “cared” hardly less if I’d died much sooner – in case you haven’t noticed there are plenty of humans walking around this planet – my death, or even the death of a million mes, would be an utterly insignificant blip in the gene pool. Some 57 million people die every year, in any case, and we still manage to grow humanity at a breakneck, likely unsustainable, pace. Darwin, and a number of more modern authors, have weighed in on this… (to be continued)

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Too beat to blog…

by cg on November 24, 2009

We really, really do have a major post in the works, you know, one of those things where I go way out on a limb theorizing from stuff I only half-understand and embarrass myself by drawing outrageous conclusions. Kind of like “The Marx Bros. meet Malcolm Gladwell.”

Many readers have no small amount of amusement over these moments, and some, I think, actually look forward to them.

Please know that I spent more time researching today (Dawkins, Zimmer) in between errands and other time-burners. But the day has finished on a down note… I think I’m having one of those cancer days where energy (and stability) are hard to come by. So, stay tuned, oh ye easily amused…

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We have a major post in us, really

by cg on November 23, 2009

And I mean a huge post. Evolution, an insider’s view, from a blogger who happens to have a unique perch, if you believe Richard Dawkins, et al. Disease. Society. Religion. Genetic predisposition vs. culture. Oh yeah. This one’s big – it may approach lone-genius blogger status.

However, it’s not likely to get dragged out of the neural constructs wherein it perches, even after a day of cognitive churn. And we have made actual written notes (on paper) to ourself, so we won’t forget this time. It’s just not going to happen tonight…

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Scott, to the rescue

by cg on November 21, 2009

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knees_mud.jpgWe managed to hit the deck again this morning, while on a lovely walk in Portola Valley with Scott and Linda. Linda, largely recovered from her Achilles tendon surgery had power-walked on ahead of us.

Scott was trying out his cool new compact Canon as we made our way up Alpine road, on a trail that has some very pretty stretches. Paced by Scott, I knocked 5 minutes off my time of last week, and was moving along nicely, thank you.

That is, until, only a hundred yards or so from our destination at Mike’s Cafe, I somehow managed to crash into a muddy sticker patch at the side of trail. Scott very patiently stood by as I gathered my feet under me, offering helpful tugs and pulls, until I could get into a position to pull myself up on Scott’s arm.

Scott, of course, is recovering from rotator cuff surgery, so it was a case of the one-armed man trying to pull a one-legged guy off the ground – the YouTube video would have been comical. Linda came upon the scene just us as I struggled up, and asked, helpfully, what I had been looking for on the ground. Such wit, dear…truly, I am blessed…

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